Sunday, August 27, 2006
Guess what, dearest blog!
The ancient scroll didn't crumble to pieces when I talked to her today!
I'm so happy, yayeee!
I still think you're damn pretty, no matter what they all say. Haha, I guess love's blind. It's not all flattery and for the sake of cheering you up, I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I think you thought I was trying to make you happy but I do mean it! Even if you didn't know. (: But blog, I should have gone down to her competition. ): But then again, I didn't know where/when! Okay blog, you must remind me to go down next time! :D
I'm having English Paper tomorrow, so wish me good luck. I know I'll do well, I know I know I know. (:
Okay, even if we talked for just a little while online today, I'm sastified. Haha, I'm so happy I don't think I can sleep.
I still think you're damn pretty. And mesmerising. And lovely. <3
Oh, by the way, I shall give you a name soon, blog! So I can call you by your name. Okay, I know this sounds dumb, but it doesn't hurt to have an imaginary friend right? Anyway, you're the only person/thing I have now. Besides guitar dear and playlist dear! :D
7:04 AM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Hello, dear old blog. How have you been these days?
You know, I don't know who or what I'm doing all these for. Sure, I want the money that comes along with the high-paying jobs. But besides the cash, what other purposes do I have. To say that I have no clear goal in sight's not too far away from the truth.
The people in my life are leaving one by one. Yeah, I've been there, experienced that. But it still hurts. Out of the 205 people on my MSN list, how many can I say I can safely place my trust in them? But really, what hurt more was how you're never around anymore. I guess who I was had already faded away in your mind, a bad dream that you shrugged away. Everytime I dragged myself to school, first thing that my eyes catch sight of is your initials I had wrote on the table. First thing that I recalled was your name when I blog in my public blog. First person to come to mind whenever I step into PS. I want to get over you, and all the more so when I visit your blog and see how your life's been so much better off without me. But emotions got the better of me still, I guess. I don't dare to talk to you now, the relationship we share now's like a piece of ancient scroll, a magical scroll that contained memories, but due to the passing of time, a single touch would cause it to crumble into pieces.
I said I wished we could relive the past. You said you'd rather it not. That hurt me so much I could just die right there and then.
Does the past matter so little to you? Do I matter that little?
Life's getting worse by the days. The closest people are getting more distant, the rest are hardly in sight. I wished I could leave for another place and start all over again. Cause the space you left in my life somehow made everything seem so grey, too hard to carry on.
Fuck. Why am I always the one clinging on.
9:25 AM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
So the anguish and disappointment are over and reality sinks in. So I have to work harder still, and retake my Chinese. So there's a tugging in my heart and I feel deep burden. So my life's gotten suckier, and I'm still breathing.
You know, seeing how life goes on for you, and how my status in you heart found a dramatic drop, I really can't bear to open my eyes and look at you. I guess you have your friends, you have your family, and you still have him. And the cycles repeats itself again, as I continuously look for a stronger bond, a bond that I can pour my heart and soul into keeping it. All signs point to a whole new start, but still, I choose to stay put for now. I've been a fool, thinking that I've found that someone. I'll choose to be one still.
Sigh. Do I ever learn.
9:56 AM
Friday, August 11, 2006
Fuck. I got a fucking B3 for Chinese. When I was so confident of an A1, all I got was a shity B3. Fucking hell. Why. Why must it happen to me. Why am I always the one that don't do as well as the others. Out of everyone else, I'm the only one with a measly B. Even the foreigners did better than me. Fuck. I wished I could die a fucking death now. Get knocked down by a fucking car, cut myself and fucking bleed to death. My only consistent subject and fuck it. Why am I born so fucking dumb. You can't get an A2, much less an A1. And you placed your fucking hopes so high. So your future's ruined, and JC seemed too far a dream now. Goodbye to a job that pays fucking well, and hello to one that requires you to operate around your fucking employer's mood.
10 points for O's. Don't fucking make me laugh. Yeah mum, you're right. I'd be surprised too if I got a fucking A.
It's not like I don't want to? I tried my fucking best and it's worth that grade. I'm like every other person out there, I want to do well, I want to earn big bucks. Is there anyone in this world who would choose the painful path of poverty? I really wanted to do well. I really wanted to. I'd give my life to do well and stop all these sufferings. Can't you fucking see? When every of my friends, from primary school to secondary school, when they all told me they got a distinction, I so envied them. I guess this is all I could do. I'll try, I'll try again. I'll try till I fucking die trying, and till I get that fucking A on my scoresheet. I can't do this anymore, but I'll do it. I will. I'll retake the exams if possible, and try to do even better. You can scold me, beat me. I'm sorry I can't get an A. I'll try again. I'll fucking try again.
Fuck this. Fuck fuck fuck.
12:18 AM
Friday, August 04, 2006
Well, I'm damn pissed at everyone now. It's not like I want to, but when people give stupid excuses for not going for the conference, I get so boiled up inside. Just say that you don't feel like it, that you have other priorities, that you have this and that. Ah, fuck it. All those preaching and all those reaching out to invite people to come. In the end, it's people like you that don't come at all. And I'm the fool who goes around like a puppet on strings, and working my ass off to get people to come.
It's so amusing when you think back and wonder how people once said things like "You're the friend that I would always treasure", and "I'll always be there". It makes me laugh how you people just step out of the door when new aquaintances appear in your life. And you jump right back in when you find that you're left with only me standing when they disappear. Isn't it so amusing. So many people are guity of that, they kick you off like dust, they sweep you in like gold as and when they like it.
I'm so fucking pissed. Cause of how people treat the conference not as significantly as the previous year's as it lacked big name bands. Cause people don't practice what they preached. Cause I see how indifferent people can get. Cause this world is fucked up, and life is as well.
Fucking hell. Don't give me those shit, cause I know who you people are deep inside. I just pretend that I don't.
11:59 PM
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I stepped out today for inner healing during the alter call. I made tens of thousand excuses not to go up for it, even though I knew long ago that this moment would come. And it's interesting to know that for the second call, everything he said pointed out to me. I guessed I scared the hell out of most people, writhing on the floor and yelling out. I mumbled a silent prayer afterwards, and I really hope that once and for all, the fucking problem would go away.
So yeah, I guess the hatred/lust/unforgiveness, and all of which had already disappeared. But one thing's that, I guess once my eyes were open to this world, I can't really get myself out. It's like quicksand, I just sink deeper knowing everything happened because of one reason. That humans are selfish, and they seek for only what they yearn. And this leads to a web of hurt unconciously or deliberately spun entangling all around them. Now I'm cowering in a corner, afraid to come out, afraid to step back into this harsh place where such beings dwell in.
Haha, I don't mind much actually. It's comfortable being hidden in the shadows. Unlike much people who try and gain fame and popularity, the amount of friends or people around you do not determine a person. I was once like them, but I've come to realise, what people label as 'loner' is just an excuse to hide away or to lengthen the spell of being surrounded by many. Well, it'd come eventually. What all people end up when they grow old, and when white linings appear above. And what's left would be just that two or three people destined to be with you.
It's funny, really. How humans are actually the question and the answer themselves.
5:08 AM
Thursday, July 27, 2006
It's a wonder how some songs in our playlist are so damn nice yet we just passed them by. And isn't it the same with people in your life- the ones that are kept hidden away are normally the ones who care the most about you, while the rest are just 'songs' that exist for just that short period of your life.
Now I <3 My Chemical Romance, ahaha. I guess it's always songs that wonderfully potray my emotions. I can't hell give an answer about how I'm feeling now everytime someone asks me about it. Look at the SONG I'm listenng to, and you'll know. Yes, the song relects me, clear as ice.
I'll take, two weeks at the very most. Hearing them talk about their new-found partners caused a tingling in my heart, almost like deep regret that I'm letting go. Just. like. that. But I guess even if it starts, it won't last. We lead two different lives, and I guess, a wandering guitar player with no shit worth bragging about isn't worthy of a dancer that never seem to be anywhere near me.
In the end, it's still those non-living things that never ever parts. My dusty guitars, and the few thousand songs waiting to be played on my playlist.
5:14 AM
